maryherrera14

Sharing my journey into marriage, motherhood and the military life.

“Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny”-C.S. Lewis

Some days life is all about your dreams, hopes and visions for the future. But there are some days where life is just about putting one foot in front of the other and that’s okay-Unkown

Your young and in love with all the opportunities and freedom in the world. Nobody warns you how fast times goes or how much marriage and children will change your life. It’s all a journey you figure out on your own. There are times of joy and times of hurt, but in the end it all happens exactly how it’s supposed to.

My journey begins 3 years ago when I got married at freshly 19 years old. My new husband joined the military to help him further his career goals joining law enforcement. While gone for months through basic training and AIT (job training) i was able to get a small taste of what I thought being a military wife would be like. While waiting for him to return home I focused on keeping myself busy working as an esthetician, being at the gym every day, spending time with my friends & family and just preparing myself for this next big adventure ahead of us. When we found we would be stationed at Fort Campbell Kentucky, far from the places we had hoped, I immediately began to feel worry and doubt. Tons of “what ifs” starting running through my mind. Neither of us have lived anywhere but where we were born and raised, San Diego California and Tennessee I knew was going to be a huge change of scenery for us both. I knew I had to put my fears aside and trust that it was the place for us and that nothing but good would come of it. We were both nervous and scared not knowing at all what to expect but packed up and drove straight across the country & this is where the true journey began. A journey harder & full of more growth either of us could have been prepared for or that anyone could have warned us about.

“You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you have to give.”-Eleanor Roosevelt

Moving to Tennessee I had a plan, as I’ve always been a planner. The first 2 weeks or so I focused on settling into our new and very first home together. We found a gym down the road & I had planned to start applying to go back to school, finding a part time job, while also applying for a volunteer position at the fire station to help get my foot in the door for my further career choice of being a firefighter. Despite all the new changes which can be understandably hard for anyone everything just began to feel like it was all going to be okay. While he went to work every morning I was able to continue focusing on my fitness goals, began personal training, something that’s also always been a true passion of mine, applied for school and soon later was accepted into a local fire station. Just like that everything I planned was all quickly falling into place. Well, that next morning, everything changed in a second.

The best things in life happen unexpectedly. The best stories begin with “and” or “all of a sudden”. The best adventures were never planned as they turned out to be. Free yourself from expectations. The best will come when and from you least expect it.-Unkown

I was pregnant. It’s a moment I will never forget, a moment that I’ve never had so many emotions flood me at once. It all hit me like a ton of bricks. I had said I never wanted kids but the truth was I never thought I could. We had been together for a few years and I never got pregnant, how could this happen now? Now that I have no family or friends around and now that we finally have the chance to learn how to be a married couple on our owns. I didn’t know much about kids, we knew we didn’t want kids in the military, I was terrified of him leaving on orders and being alone with a new baby as i knew that was the reality of being a military mom. I was scared we just weren’t ready to be parents and it was all terrible timing. It was so much fear and confusion yet despite all the worries…I fell in love in a split second. I fell in love with the tiny human my body was unknowingly creating. I was going to be a mother and nothing would ever be the same. All my priorities we no longer me, but it was my baby. We were ecstatic to tell our families the surprising news and begin on yet another unfamiliar journey together, perhaps a little lost and scared but still confident we would find our way.

“Someday everything will make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, be strong and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.”-John Mayer

I was a few weeks into my pregnancy feeling stronger than ever and then it hit me…hard. I had never felt so miserable in my life, throwing up, nauseas, tired and aching. Food and cooking, both something I enjoyed and loved so much, I vomited at even the slight smell. Working out, something I’ve always relied on to relieve my stress and start my day on a positive note was no longer at a doable state. I felt as though all I could do is lay on my couch and sleep all day long in a lonely quite house. It was the exact opposite of what I was used to nor what I had planned to happen. I was no longer personal training, I had to back out of my opportunity with the fire department, school was out of the picture and then just like that I felt like everything i had hoped to accomplish while living here no longer felt reachable. I began to just feel completely lost and lonely which were feelings I was not used to having. I was truly grateful to have my husband constantly giving me positive encouragement however I began to feel so quickly like a burden and failure at being a wife for him. I was never happy or excited about anything anymore and felt I couldn’t provide the support he needed. We slowly s both began getting frustrated over small things, arguing more frequently and suddenly we felt as though we were no longer the strong, connected bond as we always had been. I felt i was losing the person closest to me and it all began to quickly fall apart. I needed home, family, friends, the beach, all the things that made me happiest. I was desperate to feel any kind of happiness and aliveness again and I did just that. I flew home for a week and though I didn’t tell anyone the true reason I came home to visit, i immediately began to feel better. I told myself I would not allow myself to fall back into the place I was headed and would do everything possible to get back up stronger and try again.

Be strong now because things will get better. It might be stormy now but it can’t rain forever-Unkown

My first day back in Tennessee I began searching and apply to a getting a part time job even if it was temporary to assure I would stay busy and open myself up to meeting new people and building more relationships. I applied at a local gym and was offered a job the next day but not to what I had expected, it was in the nursery. I never imagined myself working with children as it was completely out of my element and something that didn’t interest me in any way but I decided to take a chance and said yes. I quickly began to connect with more people, starting working out again and suddenly didn’t feel as alone anymore. I was able to learn more about children along with making mom friends to help guide me into my own journey of motherhood. I was also beyond grateful my employer supported me continuing work after I gave birth with bringing my daughter to work with me. Everything was feeling hopeful again and as each day came closer to birth I felt more confident that the worst was behind us.

You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending -C.S. Lewis

We named her Sophie Reign, a name as special as she was. Though birth went nothing as I planned or pictured as it usually never does, none of it mattered because I had a healthy beautiful baby girl in my arms. My world turned completely upside down. The most indescribable surreal moment of a woman’s life, creating a new one. A moment I never thought I would experience and though thousands of miles away from home, her warm skin cuddled against mine, I suddenly felt more at home, alive and safe than I ever had. All my fears had disappeared for I knew there was nothing else I needed but her.

“Maybe life isn’t about avoiding the bruises. Maybe it’s about collecting the scars to prove we showed up for them”-Unknown

You picture after having a baby everything perfect and it being the best time of your life, when reality is, it’s the hardest. We were struggling to learn breastfeeding and had stayed an extra day in the hospital. I had painful sore bleeding nipples, stitches in my vagina, could barley get up to pee or shower as my whole body ached from the stress it just endured through labor. It was though everything I had read and was told, was completely useless and nothing or no one could of possibly prepared me. I felt i was learning a whole new foreign way of life just a few hours after giving birth. Every second I had free i was sleeping and every second awake we were desperately trying to get the hang of all these new things. I was beyond grateful to have all my family by my side helping in every way possible and exhausted as I was, I strangely felt more empowered and determined than ever. Every moment of doubt, I looked down into her big brown eyes and knew in my heart that this is where I was always meant to be.

“Love and peace of mind do protect us. They allow us to overcome the problems that life hands us. They teach us to survive, to live now, to have the courage to confront each day”-Bernie Siegel

We had our good days and our bad days. Some days I felt like super mom where others I would constantly question my ability to be a mother. With our families gone and the thought of my husband returning back to work heightened all returning fears I had yet again. I feared the darkness of before would come back to haunt me and perhaps I wouldn’t be able to keep up with the strength and positivity I needed. I could feel my anxiety rising and my hormones were everywhere. The sleep deprivation quickly caught up to me and the constant failures of breastfeeding became infuriating with no help or answers. I was disappointed with everything I tried so hard to do yet failed over and over again. The bad days quickly began to take over the good and my delusional exhausted self felt i couldn’t take one more bad day. I constantly felt myself lost and numb with a blank stare, sitting there with tears running down my face. I sat there and just thought to myself, is this how it’s supposed to be? Am I supposed to feel like this? None of my mom friends, none of my family, nothing I read told me it would be like this. Everyone else I saw having babies were happy, going out, seeming like they had it all together. It was a never ending cycle of feeling completely defeated and I began to feel myself quickly drowning. All I desperately wanted was to be the best mother I could be every second of every day, but little did I know, that’s not how becoming a parent always goes.

I know this transformation is painful, but your not falling apart; your just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be be beautiful- William C. Hannan

I decided it was time to go back to work. I was excited to go back mainly to connect with people again and get out of the house. Nobody tells you how lonely it can be after having a baby especially being a military family being on your own so often. I was hopeful that being at work would be my saving grace to feeling like myself again but sadly it became my breaking point. My first day back was nothing of what I expected, it was all much harder than I imagined it to be. The task of tending to 15 other kids while I felt i could barley care for my own felt near impossible. I had always strived to be the best at everything I did yet this resulted in one more thing I was failing miserably at. It hurt that no matter how hard I tried, it never deemed good enough. I stuck it out for about 5 months until I just could not keep the fake smile on my face any longer. I was falling apart more by the day and part of me wished I never came back as I felt people drew even more away from me or now had a reason to judge me. I wasnt happy with who I had become and felt lonelier than I ever felt before coming back. There was never a second to myself that I so desperately needed in times of being overwhelmed and I hated my lack of self confidence yet preached to others about it constantly. It was all so fake and not who I was. Things at home were also worse than I ever imagined them to be and my heart just plain hurt. I drew away from all my family and friends fearful of them seeing the truth I was so desperate to hide.

“We cling to music, to poems, to quotes, to writing, to art because we desperately do not want to be alone. We want to know we aren’t going crazy and someone else out there knows exactly how your feeling. We want someone to explain the things we can’t.”-Unkown.

I sat in my car one night completely broken, full of guilt, heartbreak and anger begging for answers. Why couldn’t i be a perfect mother, perfect wife, friend, daughter and sister. Why am I not strong like the other people I knew who had worse circumstances than myself yet held it together perfectly. Everything I wanted to believe so badly was just a blessing waiting to show it’s purpose was just tearing me apart uncontrollably from the inside out. My daughter and husband deserved better and I felt useless to everyone around me. I didn’t know who I was anymore or even wanted to be. I started to believe that perhaps everything would be better if I was just gone. The thoughts were darker and scarier than ever yet I had been feeling them for awhile desperately trying to turn away from them. The dark feelings like your unable to do the daily things in life were expected to do. I knew what it was all along yet I denied it for almost a whole year mainly because I felt i had no right to feel it. It was depression. There were mothers loosing their babies to tragedies, family’s that weren’t able to be together, people so desperate to become pregnant and be parents but couldn’t. There were so many people dealing with bigger problems imaginable and then there was me, someone who had none of those things.

“It’s okay to feel alone, lost and empty. For everything that’s lonely finds its company, everything lost is meant to be found and everything empty eventually gets filled. So see it like this, think about all the terrible times you have lived through and think about how they too have passed. Your a survivor and you have to go through hell to find heaven.” The same way you must break in order to find yourself whole again”-R.M. Drake

My husband was sent orders for training in a another state along with a last minute deployment shortly after. I had decided it best I moved back home as I believed there was nothing else left for me in Tennessee. Leaving left many unanswered questions of both of us. There was no question we had been through a lot and it took a huge toll on both of us and our marriage but despite everything I truly felt we both deserved another chance with the circumstances we had endured. We didn’t know what would come of us or if we would ever be a family again but all I could do was hope for was that chance to start over. Our time apart and my time being home I began to see as a huge opportunity being able to heal and better myself not only as a mother but as a person, a friend, a partner and a family member. I began to step outside of my comfort zones, seek counseling, going out with friends more, and doing more things confidently on my own. I was working in a job that encouraged me to interact with all different kinds of people and challenge me in all kinds of ways. Of course it wasn’t all perfect, I still felt tons of guilt from the past and I desperately missed cris and our family being together but most importantly I was healing every single day. I was becoming more of the person and mother I always had hoped to be and all I needed to do was have a little faith.

“Sometimes the best thing to do, is to not not think all at. No obsessing, no wondering, no worrying or guessing. Just simply breathe and have faith that everything will work out exactly the way it’s always meant to be”-Mary Herrera

Where am I now and why am I writing this? I’m back working at the gym with more gratitude than ever to able to have my daughter with me and see her interact with other children. She’s constantly growing and thriving into the beautiful free spirit little girl I had always hoped she would become. I’ve also began a business working from home that has opened a whole new world of opportunities for myself and my family. I’ve made lifelong friends and some of the closest relationships I’ve ever been able to find my whole entire life. I am 15 months into my breastfeeding journey with more knowledge I possibly imagined I could gain with hopes to share and empower other mothers in their own journeys. Me and my husband work every single day on our marriage, being better partners and parents. We are not perfect as no marriage or relationship is but we have come far from the places we’ve been.

“Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominos in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of change that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever.”- Unkown

Our minds can be a dangerous place to wander alone and we all need are in need of a helping hand at times. Admitting you need help does not make your weak, it simply makes you human. Of course it’s easier choosing to live with our hearts and life guarded off because fear of judgment and shame has been engraved in our minds but with vulnerability comes a beautiful unknown power. The honest truth is, everyone is struggling no matter how rich, beautiful or successful you believe them to be. Every single person around is facing struggles of their own, sometimes bigger than what you could of possibly imagined. I don’t wish that anything would have happened differently. It all happened imperfectly the way it was always meant to. My life has become that huge beautiful blessing I once believed it to be. My life has been saved time and time again resulting in more strength I ever could have imagined. Every single decision we make, story we read, people we encounter are all part of a purpose. If one thing wouldn’t have happened then another thing wouldn’t have evolved to what it is today. There is no more fear. I’m no longer afraid to be vulnerable and come out of my comfort zones and be exactly who I’ve always meant to be. I’m not afraid to share my imperfect life and the struggles I’ve faced and all that I’ve learned in result. We all feel lonely and hopeless at times but perhaps if less people were afraid and brave enough to let others into they’re experiences, let them know they’re not alone in this life, maybe it all wouldn’t be so scary and what a different world it could be. I look back on everything and realize that every time I believed I was failing, I was really just being redirected to something better and brighter. The most beautiful thing of all, the journey only continues.

Gratitude-Sometimes were so busy chasing all the things we haven’t got that we forget to notice the things we already have, the people in our lives and the fortunate circumstances in which we live.